PeekabooNWA

Mean Girls

Posted on 01. Mar, 2009 by admin in Life with Child

One thing that I have come to realize since becoming a parent is that our children’s world is a miniature version of the grown-up world. Just sit and watch a group of children for an hour and you will find the leader, the shy one, fights, make-ups, trouble sharing, etc.

When I found out that I was having a girl I was both elated and fearful. Elated because I knew how much fun it was to be a little girl; fearful because I knew how horrible it was to be a teenage girl.

I had somehow survived the Elementary crushes that literally left me crushed, the brunt of the Middle School cliques, and all the ghastly High School charades; so when I heard the beautiful words “It’s a girl” my new life goal became to raise a strong girl who would be invincible to the “mean girls” she would one day encounter.

I wanted to create a world for my daughter where she wouldn’t have to worry about weight or appearance, where she would be friendly to everyone so that she would never be labeled a “mean” girl. She wouldn’t let anyone define how she felt about herself – especially a boy, and she would be confident and independent.

A tall order, I know, but I was sure I wouldn’t have to worry about “girl drama” until at least grade school. I didn’t know my first reality check would happen at the age of 2 at church during a Christmas Eve service.

“Go on, Honey.”

I sent Ava up to the front of the church for Children’s Sharing Time with the rest of the little girls and boys that flooded out of the pews. She was one of the last to reach the steps of the stage on account of the large knees that blocked her exit from the pew.

She headed straight to a cute group of little girls and I was so proud as I watched her confidently walk to the top of the stage. All of a sudden the gap between the girls, that was plenty big for Ava’s size 2T bottom to fit, was quickly closed with a synchronized scoot and a double fold of the arms.

She had just been snubbed! At 2! I knew girls could be mean but this wasn’t something that they even had time to learn. Were girls mean innately?

I watched as Ava smiled and walked to the other side of the stage to sit by herself. Even though the girls were old enough to be mean, Ava wasn’t old enough to catch on. That was a relief.
It was in that moment that I realized I couldn’t completely protect her from the world, even the child size version. Besides, how can I shelter her when the “mean girl” phenomenon is equally as relevant in the “grown-up” world. With any conversation I have ever had on this topic the consensus is always that girls are “catty” and “manipulative.” So is this behavior just part of being a girl or is it learned?

Just a few weeks ago I took Ava to the park and didn’t know any of the other Moms there. I stood off by myself while the other ladies laughed and talked, and the longer I stood there the more I became uneasy and self-conscious. I worried I wasn’t pretty enough, my clothes weren’t nice enough, my diaper bag not posh enough (okay maybe I didn’t think that but you get the idea).

Was I purposely being left out? Possibly, but was it because of something to do with me or was it because these women were just as nervous to come up to me as I was to go up to them? (If you had said this to my high school self I would have told you it was definitely because they didn’t like me; the adult me tried to think a little more positively.)

I felt Ava watching me and sensed she could tell that I was less than at ease. So, instead of remaining on the outside I went over to one of the Moms and told her how cute her little girl was. (You can use that line to open anyone up). From there I spent the rest of the time with some sweet women that were not my “imaginary enemies” as I had first conjured them up in my head to be.

So maybe girls are “mean” because they are insecure; or maybe because they think that gets them ahead; or maybe it is because one of our genes is just programmed to be a little catty. The point is that no one really sets out to be a “mean girl;” it is just a defense mechanism that oftentimes backfires, preventing us from opening up to others.

For centuries women have used each other to judge their own self-worth. We gossip to fit in, we duplicate each other’s style, and are harsh with our eyes and our words. And even if it isn’t something verbalized, we secretly compete to be the best of whatever is important to us at that moment in our lives — to be the most fit, the most attractive, the highest on the career food chain or the best mom (when we compare ourselves on the parenting scale it almost always gets dangerous).

Whatever the reasoning, women know all too well how it feels to be at the end of a “mean girl” rampage, so it is our duty to show our daughters first hand how to respond positively and openly to other girls — even when the situation isn’t the most comfortable.

Any parent can tell you that “parent” and “perfect” are far from synonymous and I am no exception. Ava can spot Chick-Fil-A and the Golden Arches from a mile away and pretends to order drive-thru in her Barbie car even though I said I would never feed her fast food. My new mission for Ava is not necessarily for her to be invincible to the world, but it is to give her the tools first hand to be a strong woman who has the ability to look outside of herself and see how her actions affect others. I want to teach her to be friendly and caring towards everyone even if they are not in her circle of friends. Maybe she will do her small part in breaking the vicious cycle of “mean girl” mentality. And by leading by example, I am forced to go out of my comfort zone and be a better person too.