PeekabooNWA

An Ice-Covered Bridge

Posted on 01. Jun, 2009 by admin in Personal Stories

“People find comfort in the reassuring ‘guarantee’ that at the end of the day, the person you woke up next to will be there when you fall asleep. The reality is that there is no guarantee.”

Christmas break 2008 was such a special one. Being a teacher meant my husband Thomas had two weeks off and that he and I would get to spend every day of the break together. A couple of weeks before Christmas, I found out I was pregnant. Our family would be going from three to four. I wrapped up a picture of the positive pregnancy test and let our daughter Caroline give it to Thomas before we left to be with his family for Christmas. During the last few days of our break, we took Caroline to Baby Bookworms at the Fayetteville Public Library. We also took her to her first Ladyback basketball game and attended a birthday party for a friend’s baby who turned One. All were things that we enjoyed but in the moment might have been taken for granted.

The evening before he returned to teach, we played with Caroline, ate ice cream and watched Planet Earth. Alone, the events were not necessarily “special,” but it was a beautiful evening that I will always cherish. Thomas and I never took each other for granted, and that night I felt a strong pulling of my heart to write him a note telling him how thankful I was that he worked so hard so that I could stay home with Caroline. I told him that I loved him. I left the note for Thomas next to his car keys for him to find on his way to work.

On the morning of January 5, 2009, my husband, Thomas, kissed me good-bye. Two hours later he stood at the gates of Heaven. We had watched the weather the night before Thomas was to return to work. There was no call for concern, yet a patch of ice on a bridge near our home turned my life upside down. How could a patch of ice be so lethal?

Soon after I received the news that broke my heart, the story began to fill the news channels. Since we had an early miscarriage last Fall, we had planned to not tell anyone we were pregnant until my 12-week mark. Unfortunately, all of our family and friends found out I was pregnant when the television news channels announced it the day of the accident.

I had been so sure that Thomas and I would grow old together. That he would be by my side when we delivered our second baby. That he would walk our sweet Caroline down the aisle on her wedding day. Instead, I was now planning his funeral. I wondered about the note I had written the night before the horrible accident. What if he didn’t see it? I mentioned it to some friends and they said they remembered seeing it in Thomas’ car when they went to clean it out for me. They went back to the car and rescued it for me. The accident happened so close to our house that I know without a doubt the love I have for him was on his mind when he went to Heaven. I take so much solace in that.

There were over 1500 people at his service. Thomas taught four classes of AP (Advanced Placement) Biology and one class of ESL(English as a Second Language) Biology at Har-Ber High School in Springdale. His students loved him so much, and I think the whole school came to the funeral. The students have written songs about him, created a line drawing of Caroline and Thomas out of words from my blog, and dedicated a Facebook page to him. Now the school is in the process of creating an outdoor classroom/garden area dedicated to him.

I miss Thomas so much every day. I hate when I drive up to my garage and realize that I don’t have to park to one side anymore, or if I notice the grass needing to be cut, or when I can’t get a stubborn lid to come off a jar. The site of the accident is so close to our house that there is no way to avoid it. The first few times I had to drive by it, I got sick to my stomach. I say a prayer every time I cross the bridge and think about how fragile life can be. Anyone who knew him would tell you how “invincible” he seemed. He was so charasmatic, charming, extremely intelligent and funny. How could someone so full of life have it taken away so quickly?

In the beginning I relied on friends and family to help me live and take care of our sweet Caroline (she turned 2 in February). I was, sad, angry, lonely, tired, overwhelmed (as well as dealing with the first trimester hormones and morning sickness to top it off). Despite my first instinct to climb in bed and hide my head from the world, and from my heart, I pretty quickly learned, with the help of my church, family and friends that I would have to make this new reality work for us. A lot of the motivation came from Thomas. I really felt like I could hear him telling me to “Go on living. Do it for our children!” I still feel like the breath gets knocked out of me at random times during the day when I realize he is not coming back. I don’t know how long it is going to take for this to sink it but it definitely hasn’t yet.

It is now June and I have not been looking forward to, no, that is an understatement, I have been dreading Father’s Day this year.

He was such a wonderful father. He very much wanted to be included in everything! Luckily, with a teacher’s schedule, he was able to do a lot of things with us that some dads would not be able to do. They had days at the park where he would push her on the swings to her heart’s content. He loved carrying her into church on Sunday mornings and helping her down the aisle to give her money during the children’s offering. He was so proud of her. His love for science would take us to every park in the state, where he would name trees, animals and anything else he knew to help her learn about the world around us.

I worry so much for my sweet Caroline. I still haven’t found the right way to explain everything. The first few weeks were the hardest. She would hear the garage door raise and say, “Daddy?” (Wow, that’s still so hard to even type.) Luckily, since Christmas had just ended we had had a lot of conversations about baby Jesus. So I told her that Daddy went to be with Jesus and we miss him very much. When it comes up now and she asks about him, I will ask her, “Where is Daddy?” and she always says, “Home, with baby Jesus.” (I don’t know where she got the “home” idea, but I like it and it makes sense to me too. Just like the song we sing in church, “This world is not my home, I’m just passing through…”)

The best advice I’ve received came from a friend who has been in a similar situation. She said to have and keep a lot of love in our house. I offer an unlimited amount of love to Caroline, but can’t help but battle with the fact that I know it could be so much better for her (especially since I have such a wonderful Dad and I know that she will be missing out on that.) She feeds off of me and she will reflect my moods, so I find it important to go ahead and cry when I’m sad about it and to tell her why. She needs to know it is okay to cry; God gave us that emotion. But also I make sure to relate fun things we did with her Daddy and laugh about them with her, too. For the rest of her life I will watch closely for any hints that she may need something more than I can give her.

I pray right now that baby Thomas, who will enter the world in a few months, will not ever have any resentful feelings that he does not have memories of his Daddy or pictures with him like Caroline does. There are so many different facets to this grief “thing” that I try not to borrow trouble from tomorrow and just focus on the here and now.

I decided to use this Father’s Day as a time to reflect on what an awesome daddy Thomas was to our sweet Caroline. He left behind a legacy of strong character and devotion to his family, and he instilled in us the desire to make an impact on the world. He loved his students at Har-Ber High and I am overjoyed to be able to see these students he taught go out into the world and change it for the better to keep Thomas’ spirit alive!

I have so many things that I would tell him if I had the chance. First off, I would tell him that we are having a boy — Thomas Alexander! The first name is after his dad, and the middle name came from a time last fall when Thomas mentioned he liked the name Alexander for a boy. I am so glad we had that conversation! I would tell him how smart, sweet and amazing Caroline is turning out. He would be so proud.

Then, I would tell him how amazing it is to see the influence he has had on so many people. Most of the time, people do not realize the impact they are making on the world. I cherish hearing from his students. It’s like an echo of him and it lifts my spirits.

I urge you to use this Father’s Day as a reminder to appreciate everything that the father in your life has done for you. It might be the father of your children, your own father, or our Father in Heaven.

I would also ask you to look past the annoying toothpaste left in the sink or the socks thrown on the floor. When tragic events happen in your life, it is amazing to think back to the insignificant things that use to “bother” you. Enjoy each day, and if you aren’t, then change what you are doing. Life is too short. Also be confident in where you are headed when your time is over, because that one day will be here eventually for all of us and it is an unbelievable, freeing feeling to know that Thomas, Jesus and everyone who has gone on before me will be greeting me in heaven.

My family and friends have been such a blessing to me. I have a deepening relationship with God that has been unfolding each day and He is my rock through this storm. I have a beautiful, intelligent, amazing daughter for whom my heart almost bursts from the love I feel and a son on the way who will undoubtedly be just like his Daddy. I am blessed!

I am able to understand that the plans we make for ourselves may not be what God has in mind for us. At this point, if I am able to find joy and happiness in such a sad circumstance, then everyone must realize that it is not me, but God! He never changes. His promises have been the same from the beginning of time and I am living proof.

Feel free to follow our story at www.sweetcarolinebaby.blogspot.com