PeekabooNWA

Happy Mother’s Day… 18 and Counting

Posted on 30. Apr, 2009 by admin in Personal Stories

A little insight into a Northwest Arkansas Mommy with 18 little ones, a grandchild on the way, and a television show on TLC.

Article by: Kim Enderle

My DVR serves as a testament to the stage of life that I am in. When I was planning my wedding, every episode of the Wedding Story was recorded, ready to go whenever I needed some wedding inspiration and ideas. When I was pregnant with Ava, I sat and watched every Baby Story in almost the same manner that I watch scary movies – terrified, with tears, and always with my eyes closed at the gory parts. After she was born, I tuned into a multitude of shows, including Bringing Home Baby. The program showcased new parents bringing home their baby from the hospital, then followed them through the most dramatic two nights of their life with their new house guest. The show ended with a happy follow-up with the much older baby in a cute outfit and smiling. I watched it, cradling my screaming baby, always relieved that the follow up was a much more pleasant portrayal of motherhood. There was hope for us yet.

Now when you flip through my DVR listing you will find a countless variety of programming that include the Amazing Race (because I wish I could travel like that), Desperate Housewives (it makes me glad that I don’t have a murderer living next door), and Heroes (because… well that is just my guilty pleasure – no life lessons to learn there.)

But, the one show that I consider my saving grace after a day of failed potty training, tantrums in Wal-Mart, and fruit snacks stuck to my keyboard is 18 Kids and Counting on TLC. Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar are the proud parents of 18 beautiful children. Despite the large size of their family one thing is for sure — they have it more together than most parents who only have 1 or 2, and I am definitely pointing a finger at myself.

The children — all with names beginning with “J” — range in age from 21-year-old Joshua to five month old Jordyn Grace. In between are nine more boys and seven girls: John-David, Jill, Jessa, Jinger, Joseph, Josiah, Joy-Anna, Jedidiah, Jeremiah, Jason, James, Justin, Jackson, Johannah and Jennifer. I watch each week as their children work on their school lessons around the kitchen table, take family field trips to local attractions, and just do the things all kids do. I often wished I could ask Michelle in person what she does when one of her children misbehaves, or how she teaches her daughters to be strong, confident ladies, or how her boys get all their energy out. The list goes on and on.

On March 10th, 2009, I got the opportunity to sit down with Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar and meet their beautiful new addition. I had the chance to learn about how they make their marriage work, how Michelle gets through the day-to-day emotions that come with being a Mom, and often the mom to a newborn. I got the chance to hear how their love for children makes their family a strong, positive unit in an uplifting environment. It is easy to be quick to judge, and most people do, so I wanted to offer readers of Peekaboo a little insight into their own NWA celebrity family.

The first thing I noticed upon meeting the couple is their love for each other. They ordered a dessert from the menu and two spoons. During our conversation they would finish each other’s sentences, hold hands, and when baby Jordyn would become restless Jim Bob would get up and walk her around the room. I quickly saw how much love and respect they had for each other and for their children.

I went to the lunch as a journalist prepared with a long list of questions, but when they sat down, the Mom in me came out, and I asked, “How do you do it? I can barely do it with one!”

Michelle was open and honest with me. She didn’t claim to be a Super Mom or anywhere near perfect. She didn’t claim to have all the answers, even though she had plenty of experience. Instead of praising herself for her strength and her beautiful family, she praised God.
Over a decade ago, when Michelle and Jim Bob were the proud parents to seven children all under the age of seven, Michelle found herself with laundry up to her ears, nearly every dish in the house dirty and piled up on the counters, and no dinner on the stove. She had tear-stained cheeks from crying, and she felt tired and overwhelmed. “Lord, I need Your help! I feel so inadequate! I can’t do it all — the diapers, dishes, laundry, meals, cleanup, school lessons, baths, hugs, kisses, and correction…” cried Michelle.

Instead of giving up on her children and giving in, she looked to God. She knew that God would never give her more than she could bear, and she found comfort in that. She knew that she loved her children and they were the most precious people in the world to her. She was just exhausted. After she gave her concerns to God she felt her heart become full of love, and the weight on her shoulders lightened.

The desire to have a large family came after the loss of a baby. After the birth of their first child, Jim Bob and Michelle suffered a miscarriage caused from their use of birth control. They see their children as gifts and made the commitment to never refuse one of God’s gifts ever again. A few months later they were pregnant with twins.

The Duggar Family not only has a loving God who they put their trust in, but they also put their trust in each other. “I knew that Michelle had a lot to handle”, said Bob, “I never came home with expectations of how the house should look or how the children should behave. If the dishes weren’t done or dinner wasn’t ready I didn’t get angry, I just gave her a hug with the understanding that Michelle must have had a rough day,” says Jim Bob.

One piece of advice that they have lived by and encourage other couples to follow is to never go to bed angry or with unresolved feelings of frustration, anger, or hurt. It seems simple in theory, but when strong emotions get involved it is not something that is easy to practice. “When we first got married, we had to learn a lot about each other and how to communicate when things got heated,” said Michelle, “I had a hard time learning that. My instinct was to get emotional, to slam doors, and walk away. Jim Bob is much more mellow, and a good communicator. When we would argue, he would follow me and say let’s pray about this,” Michelle shared. “We set standards for working through conflicts early on and have abided by them. We knew that God brought us together for a reason and if we worked together we could be of more use.”

One question that weighed heavily on my mind, as a mom dealing with a child searching for her independence, was discipline. I asked Michelle what her secret was. How can you have 18 kids who are all so well-behaved?

Her response was inspiring and achievable. She said that she learned from asking other mommas. Michelle also recommended that every parent should read Roy Lessin’s book How to Be the Parents of Happy and Obedient Children.

“I never had to deal with anger until I had children,” joked Jim Bob, “but I quickly learned that it is how you deal with that anger that matters.”

“I know that if I get stressed out and angry it is all going to come out like a volcano,” said Michelle, “Everything I instilled and worked for is going to be destroyed. I work each day to deal with each issue as it comes my way so it doesn’t all pile up at the end of the day. If I don’t deal with things in the beginning, then frustration starts to creep up and puts a wall between me and my children. If I can’t control myself, how do I expect those little faces watching me to? I learned early that a soft answer turns away wrath. I often reprimand with a song in my voice.” Michelle is soft-spoken and not a yeller, so singing is a good way to change the tone of her voice so that they know to listen.”I had to learn that correcting my children was just as much about me as it was about them. I had to learn how to deal with my own reaction and attitude towards any given situation. I am not perfect though and there are many a times that I have had to apologize to my children. The wonderful thing about children is that they will forgive you and you will get a fresh start the next day.”

Michelle says that discipline starts in the home. You teach your children to respond to your voice. “If they don’t learn to obey my voice, they won’t be able to listen to God’s voice. It is important to deal with actions first. When they run out in front of a car it will be too late,” she said.

I took her words to heart and told her that she seems to have it all figured out. She told me that she learned over years of mistakes and failures. We left the topic of discipline with a final piece of advice.

“Never correct publicly. Praise in public and punish in private, and praise 10 times more than you criticize. We don’t just praise our children’s appearance or their accomplishments. We praise them when they take the initiative to complete a task without being asked, or when they take other people’s feelings into consideration.”

Knowing how excited I was to meet the couple, it made me wonder how they dealt with their new celebrity status in their own community. They are long time NWA residents so they already knew a lot of local people. “It is when people come up to you on the streets of New York like they have known you all your life, that is taking getting used to,” said Jim Bob.

In 1998, Jim Bob won his first political campaign. The family learned through this experience that no matter who you are or what you do, 1/2 of the people will like you and 1/2 won’t. “You have to give your reputation to God and not worry about it,” said Jim Bob.

The Duggars love the size of their family and enjoy the amount of love they give and receive each day. Times are definitely much easier now that a lot of their children have grown and are able to tie their own shoes, help with the laundry, and all work together. Even though their own family includes 18 children plus one beautiful daughter-in-law, and a first grandchild on the way, they understand that it is not for everyone.

On a visit to the Duggar’s home, I was overwhelmingly impressed by each of the children. They each had wonderful, yet different personalities. When I first met little Jennifer she was so excited to show me a necklace her older sister let her borrow. She reminded me so much of my little girl and it made me realize that even though they dressed a little more conservatively than most they were just as fashionable. Michelle said that her daughter Jessa put it best when she said that they are just like any other group of kids, in that they share a similar sense of style. “When they go to an event everyone they see is dressed alike, whether they are all wearing jeans, or all in black, or all with the same hairstyle.” The only difference is the Duggar children are influenced by their standards of modesty instead of the peer pressure that most children experience.

Inside their beautiful home it felt like a day at any other home, but instead of two or three children playing, making snacks, or doing homework there were 18. I enjoyed the conversations I had with each of the children I met. I laughed when Justin peeked in from behind his bed (there is a tunnel that goes from the boy’s room upstairs to the downstairs play area), I enjoyed getting to know Joy and Jackson and hearing their stories about lost teeth and their pet kitty, and I was amazed at the calm, controlled response from Michelle when Jennifer walked up to us with globs of Vix Vapor Rub on her fingers. When little Jennifer got a boo-boo, her Daddy was quick to hold and comfort her while Mommy prepared baby Jordyn for a feeding. To see how smoothly their house ran and how calm Michelle and Jim Bob were, it made me think about how fun it would be to have a large family too (then I got back home to my precious one and our much less organized way of life and I thought maybe two would be plenty.)

As for their ability to keep everything in order, they attribute it to the organization system that they have put in place for their home. For example, their wardrobes are not separated into bedroom closets scattered throughout the house. The family has one large organized closet room next to the laundry room. Each child has a bucket with his or her name on it for underwear, socks, and pajamas. The infamous socks that lose their mate in the wash go in a large bucket where they wait for a match.

Their hope for every mom and dad who watches their show, reads their book or hears their story is that they will be inspired to know that even though you may feel overwhelmed at times, God will help guide you through whatever the situation. Michelle looks forward to every opportunity to help young mommas, just like she had help from so many before her including her own mom and Jim Bob’s mom. With 20 years of marriage and 12 years of pregnancy under her belt, Michelle Duggar is truly a strong woman and wonderful Mother. Happy Mother’s Day, Michelle!

Watch the Duggar family on TLC’s hit show18 Kids and Counting every Tuesday at 8pm.