PeekabooNWA

Musings of the Barren

Posted on 30. Apr, 2009 by admin in Personal Stories

Story by: Megan Eidson

It was 2005 and Baron and I had been married for a little over a year. We had established a 5-year plan that didn’t include children for a little while. I was on a birth control that touted a 99% effective rate. I was apparently part of that 1% that it doesn’t work for. I would soon get used to the idea of being part of that minority.

On April 12th, I realized I was having definite pregnancy symptoms, but I had just had my period a week or so before. We stopped by the grocery store that night to pick up a test, and sure enough, I was pregnant. I called the doctor, and, since I was still on the pill, she had me come in right away to check for pregnancy. There is no emotion more intense than the one that comes while waiting for the second line to appear on that little white stick. The line was slow to appear at the doctor’s office too, but an internal exam and urine test both confirmed pregnancy. They estimated that I was about 6 weeks pregnant and my first ultrasound was scheduled for 2 weeks later. We were terrified but excited at the same time. We told family and friends right away, as I never had any reason to think things could end badly. Then about a week and a half later, I started bleeding and cramping. I drove myself to the doctor’s office where they performed an ultrasound to confirm my new fear that we had lost the baby. We were devastated. We decided to throw our 5-year plan out the window. I stopped birth control pills for good that July.

The next time I got pregnant was July of 2006, a full year later. We lost that baby just a few days after I got a positive pregnancy test. In October of 2006, when we officially decided to actively try to get pregnant, I insisted on having tests ran to figure out why we were having trouble staying pregnant. I was devastated again by the second miscarriage. These things don’t really get easier the more you experience them. The only thing my doctor would test was my progesterone level, because I had only lost 2 babies. (Only?) They came back very low. I had to ask if she would put me on progesterone support because my levels were very low. She said yes, but then never followed through, even at my insistence. It seemed as though losing a baby was the equivalent to losing a tooth. I thought we finally had an answer, but I had an unwilling doctor. Baron and I were furious and hurting. The longing for a baby all our own was very difficult to deal with, so we very quickly made an appointment with a new OB/Gyn. I mourned the loss of my babies every day for a very long time. I found that most doctors will not see patients until after their 3rd miscarriage.

We found renewed hope and compassion in our new OB/Gyn, a specialist in infertility. This doctor was a lot more helpful, and I soon got pregnant again. I lost the baby just a day after finding out. I was 4 weeks, 1 day along. At this point, my new OB/Gyn agreed to do some preliminary testing, but she had hope for us since we were so young. Over the course of the next year-and-a-half, we did all kinds of tests, procedures and surgeries, but we found nothing. My subsequent progesterone tests were all not only normal, but fantastic. We tested for endometriosis, PCOS, even autoimmune disorders. At some point, she insisted on having Baron tested, and it turned out he has low Morphology issues. My doctor, however, didn’t think that was causing the miscarriages. We tried clomid, timed intercourse and one round of Interuterine Insemination. In the process I had two more miscarriages, all very early. I had officially become part of that 1% of people again. The official diagnosis is Recurrent Pregnancy Loss due to Unexplained Infertility. To have lost so much, and not even have a reason was difficult to handle.

In May of 2007, Baron and I decided to pursue adoption. We had a failed match in May, but it turned out to be a scam. The birth mother never materialized. We have since become licensed foster-adopt parents in hopes of sharing God’s love with His children. It has been a long road to this place, but here is what I’ve learned:

1. God is good, all the time!
2. The most important thing for us was that we had to learn to grow closer together during this time. It is a trying time in a marriage and a lot of couples grow apart. It also helps to have God to lean on during this time.
3. Though there is no “reason” for people having to suffer through infertility and recurrent pregnancy loss, I learned to use my experiences to comfort others who are going through it.
4. We are only promised salvation, not parenthood. His plan is for our adoption into His family. The closer we get in our relationship with Him, the closer our desires are to His. I believe that His desire for us is to take care of the orphans (James 1:27) and I believe that He will provide for us in that way.
5. I am a much stronger person than I thought I was. I have endured a lot more than I ever thought I was capable of.

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